clos10 (clos10) wrote,

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Coming back

The worst part of splitting custody of your children with someone is realizing how helpless you really are when it comes to choosing who comes into your childrens lives. You have no say in whomever that other person decides to bring into their life, just as they have no say in who you can bring in yours. This is such a compromise due to the fact that you have no choice but to trust them to not let harm come to the kids (even if they REPEATEDLY let themselves come to harm). The state tends to look down on fathers, and the law discriminates against those that try to be involved against the wishes of a bitter mom. It's a catch 22, we want to be in our childrens lives, we want to come home and sit at the dinner table with them, not miss a moment of them growing up. Yet we have to be haunted by the fact that somebodies raw emotions can try to prevent that.

I know I wasn't the best husband at times. I'll let your record as a wife speak for itself. But one thing we did try on (and moderately succeed at) is being a good parent. Regardless of circumstances, the kids always came first. To the extent that even our marriage was pushed aside. Not a mistake I plan to make again if I ever do find myself saying those vows. One day they will walk out your door, still in your life but not in your home. And all you have to look at is the person you gave that ring too. Might as well lay down some good groundwork for that early :).

It's been a year of ups and downs. Many changes and realizations. It's amazing what you can figure out and confront about yourself just by sitting in a couch and talking to a jewish guy with an expensive piece of paper hanging on his wall. I've pushed myself to the side for too long. Life is more than just surviving until the next day. And I've been just surviving for years. I'm good at it. So good, that breaking out of that habit and pushing forward has taking me over a decade to get too.

I'm working at a stable company that rewards its employees for a decent job. I have an awesome girlfriend (who can be a bit of a pain in the ass, but she keeps me in check), great kids who are growing so quick I don't realize it, and friends and family that I am now realizing I am incomplete without. I've switched my work schedule to allow time for that now. Expect a few calls from me in the coming days people. The pumpking king is waking up from a very long slumber...
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